


Capricious

by fangirlingforeverz, homebound



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Touka runs after ken and joins his group, screw that waiting bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 14:43:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11876709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingforeverz/pseuds/fangirlingforeverz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/homebound/pseuds/homebound
Summary: In which, Touka is not content to sit on the sidelines waiting for Ken to visit her. (Post-aogiri AU, where Touka joins up with Ken’s group.)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> You can blame Mod A for us breaking this fic into parts. I wanted to post the entire thing, but she was like, you know what’s better than giving them the entire thing? Breaking it into parts. The next chapter will contain smut.

He’s leaving again.

 

Touka can see it -- his back, turned away from her as he speaks to the others.  There’s a pain in her chest, and then pressure. Constant pressure, that seems to build and build. What is that pounding sound? Is it her heart? She touches it, only to feel it racing. Her chest tightens, as though a thin wire had been pulled taut around the organ. He speaks softly, first to Banjou, the idiot who had mistaken her for her brother, and  _ fucking _ Tsukiyama, who he is allowing to come with him as well. Fucking Tsukiyama, of all people! Had he forgotten that he had tried to kill him -- that he was probably  _ still  _ trying to kill him? He’d stab him in the back the first chance that he got.

 

Why couldn’t she say anything?

 

Her hands clench and unclench tightly, and she can feel her nails digging into the skin of her palms. God, it’s happening again isn’t it? Someone was about to leave again -- after promising her that they wouldn’t.

 

She can’t let that happen.

 

“K-Kaneki,” she forces her mouth to move, even though she’s sure that her voice is trembling pathetically. “I also --” she licks her lips, raising her eyes towards his. “I also want to go with you --”

 

“Touka-chan,” he cuts in swiftly in that soft, but firm voice of his. She knows what he’s about to say before he even says it. “Aren’t you going to college?”

 

_ No. _

 

“Huh?” She asks, bewildered. Suddenly, it’s even more hard to breathe. This had happened before. First, her mother had looked back at she, Ayato, and her father as they ran, promising that she would return shortly after dispatching a dove. Next, she thinks of her father, always smiling so gently at them but hiding a simmering madness behind that soft demeanor. He had promised to return too.

 

And Ayato -- who had called her weak before taking off in the middle of the night. 

 

Somehow, Kaneki resembled all of them at this moment. Their images all melding into one in front of her. 

 

His eyes are soft and bright, a steady contrast to his gaunt face and lithe frame. He looks as though he were on high alert, like his body had not forgotten, will never forget what he endured in Aogiri. She recognizes the same tightly controlled madness that had also bubbled inside of her father. She had been too young to understand it back then. 

 

Maybe -- he was trying to protect her.

 

Her father had tried too, in his own way; and he had failed. 

 

Touka  wants to reach out and tell him that it was okay. That it wasn’t his fault -- he could be himself again and that she -- they can help him get better. Her words are clogged in her throat, threatening to spill from the maddening worry that he was going to leave if she didn’t do something. 

 

“Touka-chan likes school, right? And you’ve wanted to go to college,” he keeps speaking, as though his words would make this any less painful. “I can’t ask you to come with me.”    
  
His eyes are downcast now, like he was hiding. 

 

There’s a thousand different thoughts swirling in her head right now -- different images all merging into one, single moment. She’s being left behind again, she realizes. In an instant, she’s a child again, alone and carrying her sleeping brother as she struggles to hold back her own tears. It’d been cold that night, and somehow she can feel the chill from them seeping into her clothes.

 

He’s still speaking, but she can’t hear him. Her legs feel restless, ready to spring and run as far away from here as she can possibly get. They twitch.

 

_ No. _

 

She can’t listen to this anymore. Her eyes are already starting to blur, her throat starting to tickle, as though she were about to choke on a sob. He’s not even looking at her now, still smiling, like he hadn’t just lied to her and then stabbed her in the heart.

 

Touka runs.

 

\--

 

Days turn into weeks, and then weeks into months until it had already been three months since he had left.

 

Hinami goes off to him, and she expects him to send the girl back, but he doesn’t, which stings even more. Hinami had been allowed to join him, but not her. She’s boiling mad when Hinami calls her, telling her about what had happened.

 

“I can’t tell you where I am,” Hinami says, sounding apologetic. “I’m sorry, onee-chan.”

 

She throws her phone at the wall after that, unable to control her temper. Liar. He was such a fucking liar!

 

\--

 

Unlike what he had originally promised, he hadn’t come back to anteiku once. She hadn’t gotten so much as a phone call or a text message. Touka would have known, after all, after her anger at being abandoned had faded after that first month, she had sent him a text message. And then another.

 

None of them had been answered. 

 

She doesn’t even think he opened them. The thought should solidify her thoughts on how he thought of her. His thoughtless actions should speak volumes, but she knew the pain well enough herself. 

 

He was hiding himself and trying fruitlessly to protect her, even if it meant isolating her into her own corner, taking away the last vestiges of companionship she could have. If it meant easing her burdens, he would do it. 

 

She wished he didn’t try so hard to make decisions for her. 

 

With that in mind, she makes a couple of decisions of her own, having had enough.

 

\--

 

“A break?” Yoriko asks her in a concerted manner during lunch. “But this is our final year, you know… Didn’t you want to go to Kamii?” 

  
  
There it was again. 

 

“I did,” Touka answers quietly. “But my dad -- and my brother, they are both insistent that I go overseas. They miss me too much.” 

  
  
Her heart hurts at her own lie. If only.    
  


Yoriko, ever the sympathetic and gentle girl, nods in understanding. 

 

“Promise me, we’ll keep in touch?” 

 

Her heart is at her throat. _ I’m so sorry for lying to you, Yoriko. _

 

“Promise.” 

 

\--   
  
The conversation with Yoshimura is much easier and locating Kaneki’s whereabouts, which both Yomo and Yoshimura had been aware of from day one. They just didn’t feel like telling her. Or didn’t want to. That bothers her.

 

She’s being protected again.

 

Yomo was far more displeased than Yoshimura but he also knew that if Touka wishes to follow Kaneki into whatever hell he chooses, there was very little they could do to prevent her. “You’re your own person,” he says, “I just hope that you’ll be careful -- but you’ve never been an idiot,” she can hear _unlike your brother,_ in his words, and she smiles despite herself. 

 

Sometimes, she feels like she can be an even bigger idiot.

 

“Thank you, Yomo-san.”

 

\--

 

She’s annoyed to find that Ken’s den of operations isn’t even all that far from anteiku. It’s about one ward over -- a twenty minute drive from the coffee shop, meaning that he hadn’t even been all that far. She’s incensed. Twenty minutes away and he hadn’t come to visit once? Even after he had promised? 

 

“Then again, he also promised that he’d stay,” she mutters wryly.

 

His base is located in a large, dilapidated looking building. There were signs on the outside, claiming that trespassers were forbidden and would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. She walks up to the door, turning the handle, only to find it locked. She supposes that made sense. If you were a secret ghoul organization trying to track down another ghoul organization in a city crawling with dove, you would want to keep a low profile.

 

At least this building looked ruined enough that no one would live there. 

 

Touka readjusts the backpack on her shoulder before squeezing the door handle again. It doesn’t take much effort to break it, and it crumbles in her hand. She pushes the door and it gives way, creaking loudly.

 

It’s pitch black inside on the first floor, very much resembling an old and dust covered old office. It takes a moment for her eyes to adjust, and even then it’s hard to make anything out. She takes out her phone, turning on the flashlight before pointing it around to illuminate some of what is in front of her. There were cobweb covered office cubicles, and ceiling tiles hanging from the ceiling, about to snap and fall. She coughs from the pervasive layer of dust coating almost everything and pinches her nose.

 

Why was shitty Kaneki even staying in a place like this? Did he seriously have Hinami staying here as well? 

 

She walks further inside and then feels her leg walk through what feels like wire, snapping from the slight force.

 

_ What the-- _

 

An alarm doesn’t sound -- not does anything come crashing through the ceiling to crush her, or slice through her like she imagined most booby traps doing. At least, that’s what they did in the video games that she sometimes played.

 

What she doesn’t expect is for a figure, all dressed in black to sneak up behind her. The person grabs her from behind, covering her mouth tightly -- hard enough that she’s sure her skin is going to bruise.

 

She’s immediately on the defense, it could be some idiot in Kaneki’s group, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t going to defend herself against whatever this was. The person -- was very adamant though, treating her like a threat and dragging her off into some corner, shuffling and dragging. 

 

In her haste, she drops her flashlight, unable to free up herself from the person’s hold to retaliate in someway.

 

“Who are you?” The person’s voice is rough, but familiar. She can’t immediately place it, though. The person is taller than her, and strong as his other arm comes to wrap around her waist, pinning her in place against him. She doesn’t get a chance to answer him, and he applies more pressure to her mouth. “No screaming -- or I’ll snuff you out where you stand.”

 

He removes his hand from her lips, and she can hear the crack of a finger.

 

“I have to  _ pluck _ anyone who’s a threat.” The man’s voice takes on a darker tone and she knows that she can’t just talk her way out of this. Had Ken gone and picked up a crazy helper? 

 

She shifts in his grip and her backpack falls from her shoulders, it frees her up to release her kagune and shoot the crystal bullets right at them, which has them jump back and block with their own kagune. 

  
  
They were extremely quiet but she hears the slightest gasp before the sound of leather being pulled aside. 

  
  
“T-Touka-chan?”

 

She bends down to pick up her fallen flashlight, shining it right at him as she tries to calm herself down. This was Kaneki?! What had happened to him?

 

“Yeah it’s me, you idiot! That fucking hurt!” She couldn’t really fault him for going on the offense to protect his den of operations, knowing who he was going after, but the thought that he was going to hurt her really freaking hurt. 

 

He holds a hand up to cover his eyes from the light’s glare and awkwardly coughs. 

 

“I’m sorry, I - I didn’t know it was you.” An awkward silence falls upon them, unhelped by the fact that there were still some bitterness leftover from their goodbye. “What are you doing here?”

 

How did she even find him? Had Hinami told her? 

 

At his question, her anger returns no matter how much she told herself to remain calm and rational. 

 

“Didn’t think I would find you, huh?” She laughs bitterly. “Seems as much, you practically told everyone where you were except me.” 

 

She wondered if he was doing all this because he was trying to protect her or because he hates her. 

 

“I’m sorry--” 

 

She holds up a hand awkwardly. “Save it. Yoshimura-san told me where you were.” She moves the flashlight away to spare his eyes. “I came to join your group.” 

 

What? 

 

“Um. What?” 

 

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, exactly as I said. I came to join you guys, withdrew myself from school and everything. Yomo-san told me to not do anything stupid and I’m still planning on going back to school. And to college too, but that can wait.” 

 

He tenses and she doesn’t need the light to shine on him to be able to tell. He was taking this like some kind of personal tragedy. God, why was this guy so depressing and easy to read?

 

“Now are you gonna get me out of this dusty hellhole?! I think a spider was crawling up my leg.”

\--

 

To say Ken was unhappy was putting it lightly, not like she gives a fuck. Grudgingly, he brings her further into the building, past some stairs that were concealed, by a tarp that lead downward into the basement of the building.

 

It was a far cry from how old and disgusting the upper floor of the building looked. Everything seemed new and pristine, as though it had been completely renovated. There was even working electricity. She whistles, “Some base you have here,” she notes, “I’m guessing Shittyama’s money is paying for all of this?”

 

Even Ken can’t hold back a chuckle at that and she smirks, walking beside him. 

 

He sombers quickly, though. “You can stay here for the night,” he says, “But you should return tomorrow morning. I’m sure your school will let you return--”   
  
Her hand balls into a fist and it takes all of her restraint not to smash his face in. She hates it -- someone was always, always trying to make her decisions for her. Always trying to leave her behind. Enough of that.

 

“What did I just say?” She demands, “I’m joining and that’s that. Did you forget that I beat Tsukiyama? I’m stronger than him -- and you have Banjou -- the one who can’t even use his own damn kagune here with you!” And there was Hinami. That one stung the most. That he would allow Hinami to come, but not her. It couldn’t just be about protection, could it?

 

His eyes look pained, “Touka-chan--”

 

“I’ll track you down again,” she warns him, “So there’s no point in trying to get me to go back.”

 

\--

 

Ken had fallen silent after their argument, wordlessly leading her into a large common area. Hinami is sitting on one of the couches, reading one of her books, but she freezes the moment that they enter the room.

  
  
She turns, shocked, “Onee-chan?!”

 

She grins as the girl launches herself at her, and pulls her into a tight hug. Touka sighs. She had forgotten how much she missed the younger girl. After she had left, her small apartment had felt bigger, and nothing seemed to feel the emptiness that her absence had left behind. She had gotten used to the girl’s presence in the short amount of time that they had lived together.

  
  
“Onii-chan let you come?”

 

Ken doesn’t answer her, and instead says, “You can stay in Hinami-chan’s room,” and then he turns on his heel and leaves. Hinami frowns, looking worried, and she knows that she can feel the tension between them.

 

Luckily, she doesn’t ask about it.

 

Hinami is all too excited to begin showing her around the base. She shows her to Tsukiyama’s room, and Touka playfully flips him the bird as she passes. He gapes, but she’s already moved on. 

 

“This is just one of the bases that we operate from,” Hinami says, “We’re staying here for the month, and then moving back to one of our others,” she says, though Touka finds her thoughts drifting throughout the tour. They walk by Ken’s room, but it’s closed tightly, which Hinami comments is odd.

 

“Onii-chan usually reads with the door open around this time,” she says, worried. Touka’s lip curls into a barely restrained snarl. “It’s fine,” she says to the younger girl, “Keep showing me around. Did you say that there was a sparring room too?” She smiles, even though she’s burning inside.

 

His anger stings -- mostly because she doesn’t understand it. Did he really not want her around that much? Or was there something else going on here? 

 

Would he ever just come right out and tell her what was wrong? She was tired of playing these guessing games with him, just as she was tired of him pushing her away. But she knew that going to his room now and trying to get answers from him would be fruitless. 

 

So in the end, she just goes to the sparring room and shows Hinami some defensive techniques and the two of them play around with the yoga ball until they grow bored. Hinami helps her prepare coffee for the meeting that was supposed to occur and the two of them take back trays of steaming coffee mugs back to the living room where everyone was gathering.

 

Touka takes her seat right next to Ken as Hinami takes the chair opposite from the two of them. 

 

He doesn’t look as displeased or saddened as he did in the beginning when she had shown up, and it didn’t matter if he was because nothing was going to get her to leave. She didn’t care if her presence upset him, until he tells her, to her face, that he doesn’t want her there, remain she would.

 

\--

 

“Can we talk?” 

 

He looks up from the files in front of him, his mug of coffee empty on the table and the room empty of everyone but the two of them. Hinami had already gone to bed and the others went off to wherever it is they go to continue their nonsense. Shuu had returned to his family’s home and promised that he would be over first thing in the morning. 

 

“Sure,” He sounded uneasy. But he puts the file down and gives her his attention. 

 

“Is something wrong?”Just like her to get straight to the point, when it bothered him in the beginning, he now appreciates and misses it when she wasn’t around. 

 

That was only part of his problem with her. 

 

“No,” He says unconvincingly, “Why would there be something wrong?” 

  
  
Her lips tighten, jaw hard from the obvious lie. “Because you’re acting like I kicked your puppy, is having me around so bad?” 

 

He tries to laugh weakly, “No, it’s not I’ve just been tired, that’s all.” 

 

‘I wouldn’t believe that even if you were a good liar, Kaneki. Tell me the truth.” Her eyes narrowed at him. “Do you have some kind of problem with me? Because you seem to have all these other people in your group, but didn’t even think of including me when I was the one that taught you how to fight.”

 

He exhales, looking utterly drained before the conversation even began. How was he still so bad at confrontations? 

 

“I thought you wanted to go to college, that you wanted to graduate from high school. I couldn’t ask you to abandon all of that to come with me.” 

  
  
“Well, I made that decision,” She snaps. “I wanted to come with you, because that’s my decision, I offered to in the first place. You have no right to tell me what I do and don’t want -- so don’t do that in the future.” 

 

She was so tired of everyone treating her like she was made of glass or something. Like she hadn’t endured the harsh realities of the world early on as a child.

 

He looks even more displeased than when she had shown up and announced her intentions of joining his group, which pisses her off because it only meant that he was hiding the real reason from her. 

 

She was driven to find out exactly what it was. 

 

“Now if the matter is that you just don’t want me around you, then say it to my face. If you don’t want me around, then I’ll leave.”

 

He grows silent, refusing to answer and she sighs, disappointed. “All of this talk of taking down aogiri, and you’re still the same coward that you always were,” she’s satisfied when he flinches. She smirks, and then leaves him to his own devices, making her way back to Hinami’s room.

 

She had gotten the final say, but she still didn’t feel as though she had won.

 

\--

 

They lie low for the next few days as Ken plans his next move. She learns from Hinami that they were currently looking for information on the ghoul restaurants. 

 

“You mean the gourmets?” She asks as she brushes Hinami’s hair. “Wouldn’t Tsukiyama know about that?” Hinami doesn’t seem to have any more information. It seems as though Ken kept certain things from her, not that she could blame her. The idea of a gentle ghoul like Hinami being apart of this group at all still didn’t sit well with her, but at least Ken kept her away from the more dangerous missions.

 

Still, she’s beginning to grow somewhat stir crazy. 

 

In her downtime, she takes to training in the sparring room. Ken tended to use it in the mornings to train Banjou, but it was normally empty in the afternoons. Fighting comes easily to her, clearing her head and working off some of the frustration that had building inside of her since she had gotten there. Ken hadn’t spoken much to her since their last conversation had turned out so poorly, and she didn’t have the faintest clue how to fix it.

 

_ There’s nothing to fix _ , she thinks to herself.  _ He has no reason to make decisions for me. And if he can’t tell me that he doesn’t want me around himself, then I’m not going anywhere. _

 

Besides, this team was filled with greenhorns who didn’t seem to know much of the ghoul world’s dark underbelly. Banjou and his two friends had been apart of aogiri, but it was clear that he had been nothing more than a grunt and Tsukiyama had connections and was a good fighter, but she also didn’t trust him. And then there was Hinami -- who could only contribute so much without endangering herself.

 

And Ken.

 

He seemed as though he were teetering on the edge of self-destruction, completely unrecognizable from the boy that she knew. Even though he was determined to throw himself into this world, there was still a lot that he didn’t understand.

 

She couldn’t leave him alone in good conscious.

 

Touka breathes deeply, allowing the familiar burning sensation in her eyes to spread as she activates her kakugan, and then her kagune. It was smaller than before, even since Ayato had nearly ripped out her kakuhou, but at least she could still summon it. She focuses on spreading it out, as far as it can go before she’s at her limit, and her muscles burn from the effort. 

 

She doesn’t expect Ken to walk into the room.

 

He freezes when he sees her, and she’s almost surprised that he doesn’t walk back out.

 

“Your kagune…” he says quietly, more to himself, but she hears him. She sighs, before releasing it, letting it fade out of existence and closing her eyes. “It’s been a pain in the ass since --,” she pauses, catching herself. She didn’t want to mention that in front of him, especially when she remembers how he had looked after he had snatched her from the floor, just as Ayato was about to land the finishing blow.

 

“--since my last fight,” she says. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

 

Judging from the way his expression darkens, she can tell that he had already finished her train of thought in his head. That night on that rooftop, she was sure the only thing stopping him from killing Ayato was the fact that he was her little brother and nothing else. 

 

She didn’t even want to think what happened after she passed out. 

 

“Training rooms big enough for both of us, so don’t just run off.” He was bandaging up his knuckles, smiling as he heard her cheeky retort. 

  
  
“I’m not going anywhere,” He answers softly, “I was actually thinking if you wanted to spar.” 

 

Her eyes widen. Spar?

 

A wry smile crosses her lips. “Like old times?” 

  
  
He nods, “No kagune, just regular fists and kicks.” 

 

She grins outright, bright and blinding -- he doesn’t think he’s ever seen her look like that. It made his chest squeeze at the thought that he was the one responsible for that smile on her face. 

  
  
“Fine! You’re on.” 

 

They get on opposite sides, standing in defensive positions. She smirks, “Don’t go easy on me, just because you’ve gotten a little better.” 

 

He smiles, sliding his hoodie off, leaving him in a tank top that showed off his wiry build and newly acquired biceps. 

 

This was not the Kaneki she remembers, she has to tear her eyes away from the rippling muscles and the way he stands with so much confidence. 

 

What the hell had happened in the last 3 months?!

 

“Ready?” She shakes her head, thinking of a quick strategy to knock him right back on his ass so he can see that she hasn’t gotten rusty at all.

 

"I'm curious to see how much better you've gotten," she can’t help herself from goading him. She feels hopeful -- it was the first time that he had approached her since she had gotten here. Perhaps he had finally taken the stick out of his ass about her joining? 

  
  
He smiles and sinks into a defensive stance. His eyes are the warmest that she’s seen them be in some time. "I've learned a lot," he warns playfully.    


  
She snorts, "And who taught you?"

 

"You did," he answers softly, "and the rest I learned from books."

  
  
She rolls her eyes but not unkindly. He was always going on and on about his books so she was glad that he had gotten some help from them.    


  
They both begin sparring, matching each other's hits and defenses perfectly. It was just like before, how easily they seemed to fall back into sync with each other. He was right about getting better, but she’s still able to anticipate most of his jabs and kicks. He always tended to favor his right side, kicking and punching using those hands, so it’s not hard to block his attacks. Together, they were like a well oiled machine, knowing what the other was going to do before they even did it. 

 

It was exhilarating.

  
  
"You finally learned to take the offense," she compliments, genuinely impressed. 

 

"But you're still holding back, don't do that."

  
  
They pant from exertion. They weren't using their kagune but just physical practice alone was enough to get them breaking out into a sweat. "I-I'm not,” He insists,  “we're just sparring, I don't want to hurt you."

  
  
She frowns, there it was again, his stupid ass excuses, The same excuse she’s gotten before just worded differently. This idiot was really concerned that he was going to hurt her. It annoys her so much, to hear this from shitty Kaneki of all people.

  
  
"I don't need you treating me so gently. You can get rough, treat this like a real battle. Like I’m really going to kill you, defend your life."   


  
Then she pounces on him.

 

He's caught off guard for a moment, gasping as he feels his back and ass hit the ground as she straddles him and pins his wrists down to the ground. He breathes heavily while she smirks down at him, proud of herself. 

 

That would show him --

  
  
"See?" Touka says with a hiss, "That's what you get for underestimating me," she hates it when people do that, but sometimes, she uses it as an advantage. Being underestimated meant there was more chances to win. Lord knows she had used it against her opponents when she was younger and weaker.

  
  
"Yield," she encourages, squeezing his wrists, but she doesn't expect Ken to suddenly turn the tables, pinning her down by pushing her face first to the floor, and twisting her arm behind her back. She yelps in pain, as Ken leans down, not letting up. He whispers into her ear.

  
  
"Satisfied?"

  
She blinks -- had his voice always sounded that deep?

 

She freezes up, feeling his hips pressed against her ass. Somehow this was feeling way too different for a normal training session.

  
  
"That's a dirty move," she tries to joke. But it definitely doesn't feel like a joke when her thighs feels so shaky and he was completely pressed against her. She’s not prepared for the way that her body reacts to his proximity. She feels hotter, suddenly more light headed as she tries to process what’s happening.

 

This is silly.

  
  
She had been this close to him before and had never had this kind of reaction.

 

“We’re fighting for our lives now, aren’t we?” Ken asks, and then he releases her with a smile. “I’m sure you told me to treat this like that,” he stands, and she doesn’t have the presence of mind to turn the tables around on him. She simply lies on the ground, trying to will her racing heart to calm.

 

Well, fuck.

 

She had long since acknowledged that she felt something more than friendship for this self-sacrificial idiot, but knowing that he had such a physical effect on her was unnerving. He didn’t even know what kind of power he had, did he? 

 

“Touka-chan?”

 

“I-I’m fine,” she says quickly as she stands. She rubs her chest in irritation. “So yeah, I guess you got  _ a little _ better.”

 

He laughs.


	2. Chapter 2

Their sparring session lingers in Touka’s mind for days after it occurs. Ken doesn’t seem to be avoiding her anymore, to her relief. She’s even gotten a chance to sit in one of his team meetings. Even though she’s more than a bit distracted.

 

It’s a strange experience, seeing Ken as a leading figure. She still remembers him stuttering and dropping coffee cups. That had only been three months ago. It sobers her to think of how much he had changed in such a short amount of time. She frowns, thinking back to the moment she had first seen him after he had rescued her. Just what had happened to him?

 

It didn’t seem like anyone knew. 

 

She had asked both Hinami and Tsukiyama, only to come up short. The only one who had given her an idea was Banjou.

 

“He was taken by Yamori,” he says, face grim. “He’s known for torture,” and hearing that triggers her memory. Ayato had said that as well -- in between tearing her kagune apart with his teeth. She unconsciously grabs her shoulder as phantom pain stabs at it. Torture. It was hard to imagine. Had it been nonstop in those two weeks that he had been there?

 

Her hands clench into a fist.

  
  
And Ken was so damn tight lipped about it, that it wasn’t like she could get any information out of him.

 

It probably wasn’t her place to ask that question, anyway. He’d been under enough stress for his hair to go white. And then there was that new habit of his -- of cracking his fingers. It drives her crazy.

 

Was that from his time at Aogiri too?

 

\--

 

“Onii-chan gets bad nightmares sometimes,” Hinami tells her later that night right before it was time for them to sleep. “I can hear him when it happens, and he’s always really quiet afterwards.”

 

Touka sees what she’s talking about a few days later. 

 

There’s a nightmare -- a bad one. His screaming actually wakes her up out of her sleep. Hinami is already awake, wrapped up in her blankets and giving her a somewhat desperate look. The screaming had already stopped, luckily, but she stands and goes to the kitchen. 

 

Coffee usually helped calm her when she was unsettled. Hopefully, it would help him as well. The hallways are empty, and she finds herself frowning. Did he always power through these nightmares by himself? 

 

He had confined himself to his room after coming back from reconnaissance earlier that day. While she had insisted that she come along with him, he had told her that it wasn’t anything all that important.  _ “I’d rather have you look after Hinami. You can come next time.” _

 

According to Banjou, nothing of note had occurred, nothing to tip off why he was so sullen and wanted to be alone suddenly. She places the mug on the side table and takes a seat on a chair next to his bed.

 

She knocks on the door. “Oi, open up,” she says, deciding to take the blunt approach. There’s silence, and then rustling as she hears him making his way towards the door. He looks absolutely awful when he opens it, his eyes distant and gaunt, as though sleep had completely eluded him for days. She grimaces.

 

Those nightmares had taken a toll.

 

“I brought coffee,” she says, holding the two mugs in her hands. He stares for a moment, blinking as though he didn’t believe that she was actually real before letting her in. “T-Thank you,” he says. “But it’s not necessary --”

 

“I think it is,” she interrupts, “Everyone could hear your screaming. You woke me up so you owe me,” she winces at her own brashness, but it seems to work as his protest dies down and he lets her into his room. 

  
She doesn't know what to say after that, the awkward silence becoming heavy, just like her heart at being unable to help him. 

 

This was why she came right? Why she was here in the first place? To help him? 

 

She was so close to him and yet she felt so far away.

 

He said he wouldn't leave her alone that night during the rescue mission and she -- she couldn't abandon him either.    
  
"I brought you some coffee," She murmurs, looking over to the back of his head. "You should drink it before it gets cold." Her voice was croaky, having woken up from deep sleep by the sounds of his distress. She had been mulling over what to say for minutes while she waited for the coffee to finish brewing.    


  
Nothing, not even the slightest acknowledgement.    


  
That was really annoying.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She plays with the hem of her sleeping shirt. “When I was little and had bad dreams, my dad used to ask me about them. I would feel a lot better after talking about it.”

 

More silence.

 

“You can talk to me," she says hesitantly. “You know that, right?”

 

She gets a slight reaction from that. Sighing, she sits beside him on his bed, and she sees his eyes widen. There's a slight flush on his cheeks even though he doesn't react much. Touka sighs, she squeezes her knees and sits stiffly. 

  
  
"I know," Ken says quietly, "I -- I know that I can talk to you."

  
  
_ Then why don't you? _ She wants to yell.  _ Why do you always keep everything inside? _

  
  
Everything about him is tightly controlled. Her father had been like that as well, hiding his pain from her mother's death, slowly unravelling until it was impossible to hold his madness back. She doesn't want that for Ken.

  
  


“I -- don’t really know what to say,” he finally says after a few moments of silence.

 

"You don't know? Or you don't want to talk about it?" That sounds harsh, given what he must have gone through but she had to be the one asking tough questions. It was the only way he would get better. 

  
  
He sits up, eyes guilty. "I - It's not that I can't talk about it," he sighs, "I don't know what to say..." 

  
  
She glances at him pensively, this was going somewhere, she just had to keep edging him towards the right direction. "Try me, you can word vomit and we'll figure it out together." 

  
  
He snorts, his eyes going to his fingers, to the blackened nails that had been torn over and over again until they had started growing back like that. Like he had been corrupted from the inside out.

  
  
"I'm not okay," he says softly. "I - I was told by my captors that there was no place for a weakling like me in this world. Rize-san even agreed, that - that I was pretending to be kind when I wasn't. Strong when I'm not." 

  
  
Rize? Where?   


  
"Where did you see Rize?" She asks puzzled. 

  
  
He looks at her and then completely seriously, he answers. "In my head, she talks to me sometimes."

 

Something inside of her chills.

  
  
"Oh," she says dumbly, unsure of how to respond to that. "How often do you hear her?" Was that an acceptable question to ask? She isn't sure but it's worrying if he's hearing the voice of a dead woman enough to casually refer to her.    


  
"It depends," he says, and then brings his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them in an almost protective way. "Usually when I'm very stressed. I -- started hearing her when I was -- at Aogiri," he says, unable to mention the torture. She nods. It was a relief that he didn't hear her often, then.

  
  
"Do you hear her now?"

  
  
"No."

  
  
Touka breathes, "You're not weak, Kaneki -- even I can see that. You never were," she says biting her lip and looking away. She knows she had called him that before back when everything he did frustrated her. Just being in the presence of the kind man had driven her crazy.

  
  
"But I am," he says softly, "I couldn't protect --" he falters, remembering the mother and her child, both killed by Yamori -- all because of his weakness. "None of this would have happened had I been stronger."

  
  
"Hinami isn't as strong as us," Touka says, "Do you think she doesn't have a place in this world?"

  
  
He looks startled, "Of course --"

  
  
"Then stop harping on that," she says with a sigh, "There are different kinds of strength -- and different kinds of weakness. If it's about physical strength, then we can train harder to work on that."

 

He looks at her like he doesn't understand what she was saying. 

  
  
Like he doesn't believe her because he suspects she was saying this to make him feel better. He should know better than that -- she wouldn't lie to him, there were more than enough people surrounding him that would do that. 

  
  
"I just don't think I'll ever get better," He confesses. "I know that what I hear in my head isn't real but it's hard when everything just jumbles up together..." 

  
  
Her heart lurches. She wishes there was a way she could help him but she knew that anything she did now would only be a temporary comfort to what is a bigger problem. 

  
  
He reaches for the coffee mug and takes a sip, smiling at her in the same gentle way he always had. 

  
  
"Thank you, your coffee's always delicious." 

  
  
\--

  
  
She leaves his room sometimes after he falls asleep. She had run her fingers through his hair and it had lulled him to a quiet slumber. She didn't stick around any longer with so many thoughts in her mind. She washes the coffee mug and goes back to the room she shared with Hinami and  spent some time with the young girl, who was positively glowing at the sight of her big sister. 

  
  
She had missed her too. 

  
  
"I'm glad you're here, onee-chan. When you and big brother are together, things are always better."

 

Was it? Even when it feels as though she can't do anything to help him?

  
  
\--   
  
His mask is perfectly in place the following day. He smiles, jokes with Hinami and Banjou and ignores Tsukiyama whenever the flamboyant man came near. He makes no mention of his break down yesterday and is frustratingly polite to her. It makes her want to slap him, but she doesn't.

  
  
Before she can mention anything, however, Ken announces that there were going to go undercover to the gourmet restaurant in order to get information on Kanou, the doctor who performed the surgery to turn him into a half-ghoul.

  
  
"That shitty restaurant Shittyama created?" Touka asks, before looking at Tsukiyama. "You okay with that?"

  
  
"I'm fine with whatever our leader orders of me," he says, bowing.   


  
Touka sneers. He really had no loyalty to anyone, did he?

  
  
She waits until everyone clears out, preparing for the mission when she grabs Ken's arm, "Hey -- are you okay to go fight so soon?"

 

He looks down at the hand that's gripping his arm then bringing his gaze back to hers. He smiles, as if to placate both her and himself.

  
  
"I'll be fine," he answers, "It shouldn't take too long to gather information, we've done plenty of these before." 

  
  
They were raiding gourmet dens for months now, trying to hunker enough information on Kanou's whereabouts. In the end what was his purpose? Was he trying to find out why Kanou had done what he had done? Or was this just another way to distract himself from the inevitable truth that he was a ghoul now, half or otherwise. 

  
  
She loosens her grip and watches him and the rest of the group leave, leaving only her and Hinami in base to hang around. 

  
  
\--

  
  
She's worried, really worried, when they don't return on the time frame that he had said they would be returning in. Hinami had already gone to bed for the night, so it was just Touka flipping through the channels, trying to catch something on tv that would distract her from her incessant worries. 

  
  
The news had nothing to offer except for shitty CCG raids happening around the city that was putting her off her mood even more. She turns the TV off and recedes into the kitchen to get herself a bottle of water. 

  
  
The door to the base slams open with Banjou yelling something and a scurry of footsteps down the hallway and into the living room. She leaps out from behind the counter to ask them what the hell was going on when she bumps shoulders with Ken, who was covered in blood, his eyes faraway.

 

They're all in a frenzy -- Tsukiyama was muttering in one of the strange languages that he frequently liked to speak in and Banjou was also covered in blood. There was a hole in his shirt, as though he had been stabbed, but then quickly healed. She can see dried blood on his chest and when she turns around, she sees that Ken has already retreated to his room.

  
  
"What the hell happened?" Touka demands, marching to Banjou and grabbing him by his collar. She hadn't tagged along because Ken had insisted that this was a routine mission -- nothing that she needed to concern herself with.

  
  
Clearly, he'd either been wrong -- or had lied to her about the severity of the mission. His eyes had seemed to distant, so pained.

  
  
Banjou averts his eyes. "Kaneki -- he -- he had a hard time -- during the mission," he explains. "We happened to run into Kanou. We were separated for some time, but when we found him again, he was absolutely crazed. I've never seen him like that."   


  
Crazed.

  
  
Her mouth presses into a thin line. "I'm going to ask you something," she says, voice trembling with rage. "And you better answer truthfully. Got it?"   


  
Banjou swallows, looking at Shuu.

  
  
"Kirishima-san --" Shuu begins, "I'm sure I can answer --"

  
  
"I'm not talking to  _ you _ ," she says coldly, shutting him up. She turns her attention back to Banjou. "Has Kaneki been eating ghoul meat?"

  
  
It's something that she's suspected for awhile now. He was always a bit odd when he returned from missions that he insisted that she didn't need to come on. The others were also somewhat quiet after those missions. And with his mental state....

  
  
Banjou doesn't answer -- and that is answer enough.

  
  
She shivers with rage.

  
  
"Why?" she hisses, "Why did none of you  _ fucking _ morons  _ stop him?! _

 

Spineless the lot of them, she was so mad right now, she was seeing red. 

  
  
The goddamn idiot! Her mind races with what Ayato had said about Kaneki, about he was just like their father and now Touka joylessly thinks that the stupid moron was onto something. 

  
  
She recedes into her shared room and lays in bed restlessly for over an hour, tossing and turning, ultimately getting up and sitting on the ground when her moving was disturbing Hinami's sleep.    


  
She has to talk to him. She had to.    


  
\--   


  
She quietly steps into her sandals and pulls on a sweatshirt that had belonged to him. White with black stripes, it was embarrassing to say that she liked how it still smelled like him after the few washes it had gone through. 

  
  
In the brief months that he had been gone, she had gone into the storeroom at Anteiku and taken all of his sweaters and shirts back to use. 

  
  
It was pathetic, but it gave her some comfort at night to sleep with a scent of familiarity surrounding her. 

  
  
Right now, all it reminded her of was the anger she felt towards him and more so towards his comrades who had known how dangerous cannibalizing was and had still let him do it. All because they couldn't muster up the spine to tell him now. 

  
  
\--

  
  
She knocks on his bedroom door. 

  
  
"Kaneki? You awake?" Her question is soft and she hopes that he would respond to her so she can quell the worries she was feeling right now. 

  
  
He doesn't respond but the door to his room was unlocked and she lets herself in, standing before his bed to find him curled up in that same position she had found him in a few days ago after their morning meditation went wrong.

 

He smelled like soap and vanilla shampoo. He must've showered in order to get the blood off of him, but she can still smell it slightly, hanging on his clothes. Her lips curl in anger as she walks further inside of his room, closing the door behind her."Didn't hear me?" She asks sassily.

  
  
He looks up at her for only a moment and she instantly feels guilty about being so testy with him. He looks absolutely miserable.

  
  
"Hey," she says softly, "Remember what I said earlier? About talking? You know that you didn't have to lie to me right?" She's still somewhat bitter about that but it can wait. He doesn't answer her immediately, doesn't even move to acknowledge what she had said.

  
  
"What is there to say?" His voice sounds emotionless as he speaks. "I'm sure you've figured out what happened already?"

  
  
"I did," she says. "And I know you've been cannibalizing. Why?"

  
  
"To become stronger," he answers, this time sitting up on the bed. "I need to eat them -- and take in their strength," his finger cracks and she has been noticing that particular habit more and more later.   


  
"Where did you hear that?" She grabs his hand to stop him from cracking another, and she feels him flinch from her touch. She entwines their fingers, and Ken watches, stricken the entire time.

  
  
"It's true -- does it matter where I heard it?"

  
  
"Yeah, it does," she says firmly. "You know what eating other ghoul gets you? Madness. How do you think my father died?"

  
  
Silence -- he didn't seem to expect her to say that. "He ate ghouls and humans alike and now he's dead because he went crazy. Is that what you want to happen to you?"

 

She hopes that baring her heart to him doesn't come back empty. 

  
  
"When my mother died, my father tried to hide his grief for a long time. For mine and Ayato's sake and it ended up costing him his own sanity. On the front, he would pretend to be fine and pretend to like humans but underneath, when he and I were out of sight, he would roam the streets to kill humans and ghouls alike for revenge." It had taken her years admit it to herself, much less another person. Somehow, Ayato had been right about their father before she was too. 

  
"I don't want you to turn into him. With the last bits of your sanity left just so you don't rip yourself and the people you love apart." 

  
  
After all it could be much worse. 

  
  
"But I have to get stronger --" 

  
  
"And you will," She cuts him off testily. "A kakuja isn't the only way to be strong, there are other ways of gaining strength. Look how far you've come from the first time you walked into Anteiku. You're practically a whole different person from that guy. You can't be impatient about this." 

  
  
He still looks miserable and dumbfounded, obviously holding onto his own beliefs with the same stubbornness that drew her mad. The same stubbornness she knew she possessed as well. 

  
  
"I just want the ability to protect everyone," He says after an eternity of silence and blank stares. "You, Hinami-chan, Hide, everyone at Anteiku." 

  
  
She scoffs. "We don't need your protection idiot. We're all worried about you, I'm sure your human friend is worried sick, did you even try talking to him?" 

  
  
He looks awfully struck by her question then as well.

 

"I --"

  
  
"You haven't, have you?" She asks solemnly, thinking of Hide. She had warned him about being honest with the boy before, afraid of him betraying all of them to the CCG. Now, she just feels guilty. Especially if her threat had caused Kaneki to keep his pain from his friend.

  
  
"I'm not the same anymore," Ken says quietly, "Hide would know immediately if I spoke to him. He'd ask questions --"

  
  
"Then answer them," Touka says tiredly, "I'm not going to kill your friend. Even if that's what I said before." They fall into a silence and Touka squeezes his hand again, hoping that he can feel her emotions and that she is reaching him. She doesn't expect him to start speaking.

  
  
"The entire time that I was at aogiri... I was tortured."   


  
It feels like the breath has been knocked out of her. He doesn't release her hand, but he leans forward slightly and covers his eyes with his free hand. The cracked, blood clotted nails on his fingers seem ominous with this information. "Your brother handed me over to Yamori. He was the man who came with him to anteiku to capture me."

  
  
Her eyes widen. 

  
  
That little fucking bastard -- "He k-knew --?"

  
  
"He did," Ken says darkly. "I didn't know when I first went with him -- but Ayato-kun knew what would happen to me."

  
  
That's right. Ayato had mentioned that Yamori had Kaneki, but she didn't know that he had knowingly handed him over. She feels sick thinking about it. Just what had her brother become? He would just let someone be tortured to death?   


 

  
"It was non-stop during those two weeks that I was there," he continues, staring down at his lap. "He -- he had to jam a needle underneath my eye -- it had some kind of rc suppressant so that he could cut me. Then he'd remove fingers and toes. Again and again. He'd make me eat so that I could heal. And then he'd do it again."

 

He hand unconsciously squeezes against his. He looks down at the hands and then back at her with surprise in his expression. 

  
  
"I thought the torture had gone on longer than 2 weeks, when you and everyone else came to get me, I was -- so happy but also I felt guilty. I troubled you all so much already and then you had to come on my behalf and get involved and injured. Especially you, Touka-chan." 

  
  
Her stomach clenches, heart at her throat. Was that why he had left her behind initially? Because he felt guilty?

  
  
"I never wanted to see you lay in a pool of your own blood, ever since that time at the church and when we had to fight those investigators. I was always worried that you would go ahead and die and I would never know about it." 

  
  
It was her turn to be surprised now. She never thought that Kaneki would care so much, maybe she's never given him too much credit. 

  
  
"That's stupid, are you forgetting who taught you how to fight?" She tries to come off cocky but in the end her voice sounds like a low squeak, nervous and hollow. "You d-didn't have to leave me behind because you were scared of something so stupid. I can hold my own and it looks like I'm gonna need to." 

  
  
His confused look garners another answer from her. 

  
  
"From now on, I'm coming with you and those dumbasses."

 

Ken looks ready to protest, but Touka decides to distract him at that moment by bringing his hand to her lips. She kisses the back of his palm, filled with anxiousness.

  
  
He freezes from the contact, as though he had been slapped, staring at her in wide eyed wonder.

  
_ Don't lose your nerve, _ she thinks to herself. "I'm coming," she repeats. "Okay? I didn't join up with you all just to sit around here and look pretty," her voice is firm as she kisses the back of his hand again.   


  
Ken looks stricken and he shivers badly. She can feel his trembling, his eyes drawn to their enjoined hands. She frowns, wondering if she had made a mistake.

  
  
"Touka-chan?" Ken croaks, he sounds pained.

  
  
She shouldn't have done that, she thinks, anxious. "I -- It's dangerous," he says, and she isn't sure if he's talking about the missions or what she was doing.

  
  
Her lips tingle from where she had kissed him. She’s still somewhat disbelieving of her own boldness, but something about the stunned look in his eyes makes her want to continue. To show him that she cared about him. When was the last time anyone had shown him genuine affection, she wonders. 

  
  
She scowls, "I can handle myself. I beat shittyama and you still have him here with you!"

  
  
"And I -- want to protect  _ you," _ she admits.

 

Ken inhales shakily, as though he almost doesn’t believe it. Like this was all something he was making up inside of his head to comfort himself. 

 

She wonders how many times he had to do that to keep himself going.

 

Her next actions, are impulsive, even for her -- but her decision is solidified. She doesn’t want him to suffer anymore. She stares down at his fingers -- his nails black from clotted blood that hadn’t grown out yet. 

 

She touched his fingertips first, and lightly – lightly, grazed the soft skin there. She found it hard to imagine that those fingers had been removed - no, ripped off. He had suffered so much. What came next was impulsive, even for her – but she found that she didn’t care.

 

It had always helped her as a child when her father had kissed her wounds – maybe –

 

She brought his index finger to her lips and kissed it.

 

Kaneki's breath hitched and she felt him tense in surprise - "Touka-chan-" he gasped, "what-" she pressed one of her own fingers against his lips to silence him, turning her attention to his middle finger. Her mouth was warm and soft against his finger and Kaneki watched her, dumbstruck. She kissed all along the finger down to the knuckle before moving to the next one - and the next – and the next.

 

She slowly kissed each of his fingers, paying careful attention to each and every one.  Each press of her lips to his fingers caused a pleasant thrill that raced through him.

 

His blood was rushing – too warm, too much.

 

When she kisses his last finger, her eyes met his and Kaneki was speechless, mouth dry. "Where else?” she asked calmly. “Where else were you hurt?”

 

Was this really happening? The warmth of her lingering kisses still tingle his skin, especially as she continues to kiss over the same parts over and over again, from one pad of his finger to the next until she’s kissed all ten of them. She’s gotten bolder, looking right into his eyes. 

 

“Where else?” She asks again and this time he answers. 

  
  
“Right here,” he rubs at his ear with his palm, “and this one too…” 

  
  
She leans in closer, until her arms were resting against his sides and her face was tilted up to kiss from the lobe to the shell on both sides. 

 

He feels dizzy from the soft ministrations, skin bursting with gooseflesh and toes curling from pleasure. It feels pathetic to derive so much pleasure from such simple and innocent acts, but he was too love starved to notice. 

 

“Here too,” He murmurs quietly, pointing at his eyes and gasping when she kisses over the lids and below them where he’s gotten quite a bit of tired lines from the restlessness at night. 

 

Her hands are in his, fingers rubbing his affectionately. 

 

“Anywhere else?” Her lips ghost down his cheeks, eyes closed and cheeks flushed from how carried away she’s gotten from what was supposed to be just comfort. 

 

He doesn’t answer, allowing her to ghost her lips over his cheeks and back to his ear to kiss underneath it. 

 

Right where he was incredibly sensitive. 

 

His back goes rigid and he lets out an embarrassing whimper. 

 

Her eyes widen, “Sorry, was that--” 

  
  
“It’s okay!” He amends quickly, swallowing the lump in his throat from just how affected that small act had made him. He cups her cheeks, turning her up to face him. 

 

She was so embarrassed. 

 

“Look at me,” He says softly, “Please.” 

 

Mustering her courage, she does, ignoring how her cheeks feel like they were fuming and her heart was close to beating out of her chest. In fact, it beat so loudly, she was sure he could hear it in his quiet room too. 

 

He looks at her so softly, their coffee mugs lay forgotten on the side table and the proximity that would have had them scrambling away from each other days before, garners them to move closer.    
  
“Touka-chan,” He leans in closer. “Thank you.” 

 

And then he kisses her.

 

The kiss was -- the very first of any kisses Touka has ever shared with anyone. It feels awkward and wet but his taste is mesmerizing. He tasted like coffee and something sweet, it was clear that he had some experience in this field that she didn’t. 

 

The thought made her grow a little possessive of him. 

 

Her arms lock over his shoulders, as she returns his kiss, mimicking the same movements of his lips with her own, his tongue melds with hers until she was too lightheaded to even think about what was happening other than the fact that she was it to continue. He’s even moved her onto his lap, arms squeezing around her body as he holds her tight, making sure that he can feel her warmth.

 

Finally, the need for air becomes too much and the two of them have to separate but remain pressed against each other. 

 

“Um-”

 

“Wow.” She wants to smack him for being so tactless. Really, wow?!

 

“Kan--” He cuts her off with another kiss, moving one of his hands up her back to crane her neck and deepen the kiss and lay her down on his bed so he can get on top. 

 

Her heart quickens, and she clings to him, overwhelmed by her own sudden desire. She’s warm, and the blood beneath her skin seems to simmer as he breaks away from her mouth in order to kiss along her jawline. She’s stunned, amazed that this was happening, but also unwilling to stop him.

  
  
Wasn’t this what had had craved for so long? Someone who would want her? Who would stay?

 

His hands squeeze at her sides, as though he isn’t sure where to touch. She can tell that he’s filled with anxious energy and when he draws away from her, she notices him staring at her breasts -- and he’s staring pretty hard. Touka flushes, and then moves to pinch his cheeks.

 

“Ow!”

 

“Where are you staring, huh?”

  
  
He looks sheepish, to his credit, and she snorts. “You look gross,” she says, before thinking about what she wants. Her belly is burning -- the same simmering desire that had been lit during their last sparring session had been set ablaze. Ken’s flushed, sputtering an apology for staring. Still, it doesn’t stop him. Did he desire her as much as she did him? She likes that look on him -- when he looks at her as though she were something precious, something that he wanted.

 

She doesn’t want to stop. “It’s -- uh, fine. You can touch me. I-If you want.” 

 

His sputtering stops, eyes growing darker as he looks down at her. “You mean it?”

 

Did she mean it? She wouldn’t have said it if she didn’t mean it! Did he want to hear her say it again? “W-What do you think --  _ ah _ !” she gasps as one of his hands find her breast, squeezing gently at first, and then more firmly. He watches her expression carefully, gaze intense.

 

Touka can feel her skin burning, she averts her eyes. 

 

He chuckles then, “Are you shy now?” And then winces when she punches his arm in retaliation. He looks affronted, as though she had slapped him before his hands return to her breasts again.

 

It felt -- strangely nice. She had touched her own breasts numerous times and nothing of that sensation resembled what she feels now. For one, her own curious exploration had never made her heartbeat quicken, or her belly tighten with a foreign need. She sighs, overwhelmed as that need continues to grow.

  
  
She wants to feel his hands on her skin.

  
  
Touka pushes on his chest for a moment, before she grabs the edge of her shirt and tugs it up and over her head. She had been ready for bed when she had come to his room and hadn’t bothered wearing a bra.   
  
From the stunned look on his face, she can tell that this was the right choice. If he had been staring hard before, he was absolutely gaping now.

 

“If you stare any harder, you’ll burn a hole into me,” she jokes, trying to hide her own embarrassment. Ken’s skin darkens into a red hue as he looks at her from underneath long eyelashes. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, “You’re just -- beautiful. I can’t believe that I’m so lucky.”

 

Her breath hitches. Lucky? Beautiful? God, wasn’t he supposed to be a lame nerd? How was he saying something like that with a straight face? He doesn’t look away from her, and she can tell that he means it.

 

She doesn’t expect him to push her back down onto the bed by her shoulders, or lean down to capture one of her stiffened nipples into his mouth. The sensation is warm and wet -- and so surprisingly  _ good _ that she has to smother her mouth to keep a particularly embarrassing moan from escaping. Her back arches, trying to push herself even more firmly into his mouth as he suckles.

 

He enjoys the needy look on her face, it fills him with so much pride that she was making that face because of him. She was feeling so sensitive because of him -- he was going to cause her many sensations tonight and it would all be because of him. 

 

He couldn’t help the dark want that brews inside of him. As his lips close tight over her dusky nipples, switching from one to the other, making sure to tend to the one neglected with the pad of his thumb. 

  
  
Soon, he grows tired of it though, and moves on to kiss below her breasts, down her torso and over her smooth stomach. She groans, stifling her noises behind a tight palm as he kisses his way back up to her breasts again. She watches him leave several open mouthed kisses on her large breasts, making sure that her pale skin was littered with them as reminders that she had allowed him to do this to her. 

 

“E-Enough already, idiot!” She shoves him back, tired of how out of control she was feeling and how he was too fixated on her breasts to do anything else. He looks dazed, scoffing and pulling her down beneath him again, grasping the waistband of her sleeping shorts and pulling it down her leg so she may kick it off. He gets to work on throwing the shirt he wore to bed off as well. 

  
  
“A-Asshole,” She strong arms him to get up on top, pushing her long hair back over her shoulders. “You’ve gotten really ripped, huh….” 

 

He gives her a cheeky smile. “I took your advice, do you like it?” 

 

She doesn’t look impressed by his retort. “You’ve also picked up some stupid smugness along the way too.” 

 

He wraps an arm over her back to pull her down for another kiss, threshing his fingers through her hair and switching their positions again. She didn’t have much to complain about this time because he began to move his kisses further down south right were the lace trim of her panties began. 

 

She covers her face as he sits back up, parting her legs slowly and rubbing his palm over the crotch slowly. 

 

“This is okay, right?” 

 

She nods vigorously, willing her attention to the feeling when she was getting too dazed. He was just touching her so lightly, she couldn’t deal with it. 

 

“Would you like me to do something?” He teases, rubbing his palm down more insistently. “Like --” 

 

“I’ll take it off myself!” She exclaims, not wanting to give him more satisfaction than that. He was awfully cocky for someone who was a virgin.

 

His eyes are trained on her the entire time as she slides her panties down her thighs and then off of her legs. He’s unabashed in his staring, and she finds herself beginning to like it. She likes that she has his complete attention -- that he’s not pushing her away anymore. In fact, he’s drinking in the sight of her, like a man suffering of thirst. 

 

She wants to see him too.

 

“It’s not fair,” she says, “That I’m the only one that’s naked,” she says, closing her legs so that his sight is obscured.    
  
His lips quirk upward into a small smile. “That’s true,” he admits, before he sits up and pushes the light thin sleeping trousers that he wore down his hips. There’s a thin layer of hair,  trailing down below his navel and disappearing into his boxers, which were the next thing to go. 

 

His cock bobs slightly as it’s released -- and she’s momentarily taken aback by the size of it, large and dripping with some kind of liquid, the scent of which makes her mouth water. Proof of his arousal. She bites her bottom lip. Nishiki had mentioned before that there was nothing that compared to the sweetness of a human while teasing her once. She wonders if this is what he meant.

 

Ken sits back on his heels after removing his pants and she reaches for him hesitantly, gripping him at the base of him. He’s somewhat slick, and that makes it easier for her to stroke him and his reaction is instant.

 

He groans, and then quickly tangles one of his hands in her hair as he tugs her into a kiss. She doesn’t stop stroking his shaft and she can feel him moan against her mouth. She draws only a breadth away, watching his expression. His pale skin is covered in the most delightful flush.

 

“Does this feel good?” She asks.

 

Ken chokes on a laugh when she focuses her attention on the bulbous head of his cock. It seems that was most sensitive and she rubs at the tip. “T-That’s --  _ ah _ \-- an understatement.” 

 

She smirks, liking this look on him. “Really?” His head is thrown back when she pumps him from base to tip in a sinfully slow manner. The scent of him was beginning to make her feel somewhat hazy, and she wonders how he’d react if she did even more. Watching him the entire time, she lowers her head and takes him into her mouth.

 

His reaction does not disappoint.

  
  
His breath hitches, and she can feel his entire body tense before he moans raggedly. He tastes  _ good -- _ better than he had smelled and her body shudders with delight as she slowly bobs her head. 

 

“ _ Touka,” _ her name sounds like a prayer and she finds herself wanting to drag it out of him even more. 

 

His fingers bury into her hair, squeezing them by the strands and pulling her deeper into him. So deep -- she can feel him down her throat, and she finds herself growing warmer. There’s an aching between her legs. She lets out a gasp, not one of pain but of surprise, however it is enough to get him to stop and ask if she was alright.    
  
Slipping him out, she coughs. There’s a moment of surprise, and then acceptance. She wanted to feel that again -- to know she had been the one to make his control snap. “D-Do that again!”    
  
His eyes widen, “What?!” But she wasn’t going to say it again, her lips around closed around his length, watery, blue eyes gazing into his as she bobs her head and shudders. 

 

She liked it...She wanted him to do it more. 

 

Abiding by her request, he pulls her forward, bucking his hips forward and pulling back to make sure she was alright. 

 

She loves it. Encouraging him with her deep sucks and stroking the part of his shaft she couldn’t fit into her mouth with easy strokes given how wet his length was. His stomach was tightening, the tell tale signs of how close he was getting telling him that he couldn’t just take pleasure from this alone. 

 

“T-Touka, wait! Stop.” She does, drawing him out with a pop. She had gotten so into it that her lips were thoroughly wet with her saliva and his essence. A thin strand connecting her lips to his cock. 

  
  
“We can do that later,” He informs her impatiently, laying her back over a pillow and parting her thighs. He licks the pad of his thumb before placing it on her clit and massaging it slowly. 

 

She was definitely wet enough to take him. 

 

Her legs peddle apart farther, bearing her cunt to him shyly but also forcing herself to act as if she wasn’t feeling embarrassed. 

 

How cute. He smiles, pulling her legs over his thighs and closing the space between them. He lays his body over hers, kissing from her cheek to her lips, his cock brushes over her folds slowly. 

  
  
“Ready?” 

 

She closes her arms around his back and nods into his chest, pressing her forehead against it to feel his heartbeat and distract herself from the pain. 

 

He grips his cock and pumps himself slowly, lining himself to her entrance and sliding in without stopping. Her nails dig into his back, the heels of her feet dig into his ass as muffles herself on his chest. 

  
  
He shudders from the tight feeling of her cunt, milking him already. 

 

She’s so warm inside, squeezing tightly as though she didn’t want to let go. He grits his teeth, and it’s all that he can do to keep from thrusting wildly. He kisses her forehead, and then her lips. Touka can feel the tension in his body -- and he nearly growls when she shifts her hips, trying to adjust to the new feeling. It’s different from any pain that she’s ever felt before, but nothing that she couldn’t handle.

  
  
Ken inhales sharply. “A-Are you alright?” He asks, cupping her cheek in the palm of his hand. He strokes her skin and she smiles at his kindness.

 

“I’m fine,” she murmurs. She feels stretched and  _ full _ of him, but the sensation was growing some unpleasant to something else entirely. She definitely doesn’t hate it. “Move -- please.”

 

He doesn’t need to be told twice.

 

It’s all Touka can do to keep from screaming when he begins to thrust. His hand finds her thigh, squeezing as he spreads her legs wider in order to better accommodate him as he sinks in, bottoming out inside of her. It’s hard to describe the sensation -- there’s some discomfort, but it feels almost as though he filling up the emptiness that had been inside of her for so long with each rut of his hips.

  
  
And god, it’s  _ good. _

 

Her body quivers, “H-Harder,” she begs, and she drags him down to her, kissing him messily as she tries to meet each thrust of his hips with her own. They fall into a rhythm, not dissimilar to their sparring as she anticipates the push and pull of their bodies.

 

_ “Kaneki,” _ she gasps his name, “Kaneki, Kaneki, Kane--  _ h-hah! _ ” She must sound silly, but it’s hard to care with the tension in her belly only builds and builds. Each time he sinks in, nice and deep, there’s a rush of euphoria that has her nerves singing.

 

How did she feel him so strongly? 

 

“You feel so good --,” Ken pants raggedly, kissing her everywhere his lips can find purchase. “So good, Touka-chan--”

 

She’s never been wanted like this before --

  
  
There’s an eruption inside of her, one that makes her swear as she starts to tremble uncontrollably as suddenly her body is no longer her own. Pure bliss, and then she’s spent. 

 

He keeps thrusting, reaching his zenith some time after her, leaning in to bit down on her neck to muffle the loud groan that would have otherwise woken everyone up. They stay connected, laying in the same position until he grows soft. He goes to pull out and it’s only then he realizes his mistake. 

 

“I’m --” 

 

“It’s okay!” She comforts him, drawing him back to lay his head on her chest while she runs her fingers through his hair. 

  
  
“I liked it," she admits, before adding more quietly,"I feel so  _ warm _ .” It was embarrassing to admit but truly she felt so wanted and loved for the first time in a long time. He leans in to peck her on her forehead and then her lips before laying his head back down between her breasts, letting the gentle beating of her heart lull him to sleep. 

  
  
“Kaneki?”

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“I’m still going on the next mission and the ones after that too.”

 

Luckily, he’s too tired to argue with her. 


End file.
